Friday, 21 September 2012

The Start has nothing to do with the ending, and the ending has nothing to do with the middle. Just a thought.

Why do I feel like I'm flying through life as if there's no tomorrow?Kadang-kadang rasa macam semua decision yang aku buat ni mungkin salah, tapi at the same time macam the most right thing to do? Ghandi once said that "whatever we do in life would be insignificant, but it is important that we do it". Tapi kalau kita buat benda yang ragu-ragu macam mana pulak? I feel like I'm taking a big step in life, but can it be that the life that I'm choosing would change me completely from who I am? Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared to change. I'm scared that I'm becoming someone I do not want to be. I feel limited, I feel like I'm heading to a dead end but then i think its just me... I'm still here standing and looking forward and seeing everything going by. Kalau orang lain ada dekat mana yang aku berdiri, agaknya apa yang dia akan buat?

Kadang-kadang rasa macam decision ni salah,maybe aku dah terlepas pandang apa-apa, atau sesapa pon yang membuatkan aku, aku. Tapi selepas setiap doa,tuhan kurniakan aku dengan jalan yang aku sendiri pilih untuk lalui dan aku berdoa lagi dan berjalan lagi, tanpa henti. Sometimes,this becomes tiring.. I'll lay down and think how fast how clumsily how wasteful all these things are, I want more. I crave a better life, a much more peaceful life a much more "ME" life but the world never revolves around you. I see people around me, slowly one by one leaving us forever and I know I will too, but still I'll always say "hold on, I'm still looking for my way" but who am I really to say anything of the sort. I'm scared, will the path I choose complete me, but will I fail again. fail in life, fail in love, fail in everything... I feel so low.

Tonight I sit in a dark room, the little rascals playing in their little den happily. I wonder how it felt to be happy like them freewill and not having any worries, then again I did live that way once when I was a child I guess I dont envy them I just miss it. The me now is different from the "me" back then, older, wiser, stronger, but scared of reality. We hide underneath possibilities, we say it'll be okay but will we be okay? I realize this is not the right way of thinking and this is what makes me scared, this is what is bothering me all this time making me worry about my future why? simply because I cant trust in possibilities, I have to earn that possibility. I've been stabbed in the back, lied to, misjudged and whole lot of other things but I dont want to care anymore because living under those posibilities that run in my little head is giving me a major headache. I'll live the way we're supposed to live. I dont want to think that I "MIGHT" go to heaven, I want to think that I "WILL" go to heaven. everything we want we have to earn. You want to be in gods side you work for it, earn it and that possibility will not be just a fade dream or a hope u keep wishing for. The path I think I chose was right IS right! I realize we're just told that we might get rich if we.... yup another hope, or possibility that isnt earn but yearned for. I'll choose this path right now because I want to be in the path that is right for, the path that I know IS right for me. Insyallah. the strength that he has given me all these years have paid off. I need to say I want not I think I want or I might want or I will want, it should be I want it, now! Those prayers that I pray was because I want it, and those paths and walks I've walked is because I want to. No one forced us to be borned right? no one forced u to take your first step but you did. anyhow, this post is becoming longer and longer. I've poured my heart out,and its a bit "merapu" but at least I feel better, thus the meaning of personal blog.

I'm Ready!
Yours Sincerely,

Ave Whitlock.