The I'm So Tired I've done Trying Period.

Have you ever felt like your whole damn life events are just constantly being dragged into a huge black hole of disaster? Yeah, that's exactly how i feel right now, well not just right now but since a few months before. It all started when my late cousin Kak Rose passed away. Ever since that event, anything and everything i do felt like it gave no sense. My heart felt like it was empty, and i just wanted to go away. Somewhere where the only person who knows you is your cell. My heart crushed when i went to visit her at the hospital just days before she passed on, and I couldn't stop my tears from falling when i looked at her pained face (eventhough she was in a coma, the nurses said she could still feel the pain). When i went home, something inside of me said that, that would be the last time I'll ever see her again and days later god proven that my feeling were right. When I discovered that she was gone, I felt an emptiness in me like whatever I'm doing now made no sense. I skipped classes, and when I even go to any I find myself occupying my self by talking, I'm always the one who tries to answer questions, making a havoc, ect. But I realized that i was just trying to keep myself from thinking. I tried to force myself not to think of anything, because anything that I realize when I ponder leads me to think that I'm wasting my time, I wanted to run.

I used to quote a saying "I will hide the part of me that cries and screams", well i guess that's what I'm doing right now. College seemed like the right path when I was eighteen, but now I feel like "this" isn't worth my time and money. The path I am in right now, looked like it was heading for a dead end. The choices I have made, and the people that I've met just made it hard for me to turn back and choose another. These people stood by me and made me reassure myself that everything is okay, but to my realization nothing is ever gonna be okay. No one can tell me that my life would run perfectly, and no one could tell me that society would not judge. I sometimes find my self looking in the mirror, trying to find something or anything that would make me any different than others. People find me friendly when really I just wanted to be quiet. Why is it that I live the way others look at me? I've always known one thing for sure, i was a really good dancer and i've always have been one. But I've chosen a different path, and the path that I am on restricts me from doing what I do best. Sometimes people say I move like a dancer, when I'm going to sit, get up, ect. I move with grace. But what am I to do of something that I would never be, again I ponder have I chosen the right path for me.

Back to the original story, after my cousin passed away, I started to skip classes. I see people doing things that they are passionate about and succeed, what about me then? will I ever get the same success doing something that I myself am not sure that it is my passion? I know I can create stories, I can shoot, I can edit them, but deep down inside I just love to question myself. I try not to think but who are we to try to stop our selves to think? the only way to stop thinking is by killing the brain a.k.a. DIE! which is not one of my choices right now. I've been barred, I've failed a subject that I already finished doing but did not send. I just need a break so i've decided to take a leave from all that to just differ my semester and work. To buy me time to think and so on. My mother asked me if I wanted to get married or do I want to continue my degree overseas which is something that I've always wanted, but to make a decision right now is like trying to choose between your mom and dad. Impossible! So right now the only choice I make is to stay away for awhile and think, hopefully it is a good one.

Sorry that this post is oh soooooo looooong... I just needed to blabber as always, I write my mind so this is what happens anything and everthing that comes to mind would be directly transfered to the key pads and so into this post. Hopefully you readers (do I have any?) would not face these things. Its like being stuck in the middle of a thunderstorm without shelter just waiting for it to stop. I pray to god that this would all end soon, Insyallah and thank god I have my hubby to help me go through all this. Until the next post.



Sincerely,


Ave Whitlock.